All the things I would have missed…

It’s been a while, I seem to say that every time I write now (oops). Writers block is real, that’s for sure. It’s been a while since I’ve had any inspiration to write something that actually meant something. I used to write all the time and that was great, but I want what I write now to mean something, not just writing something because I feel like I have to. So yeah, it’s been a while and that’s okay. I got the inspiration to write this when a memory from 7 years ago popped up on my phone the other day, some may find this a bit deep, some may not have a clue that this was ever a thing in my life and some will know all too well, wherever your at with knowing or not knowing, I’m good, we’re good. Sometimes I write things or share things and realise that some people never knew these things happened or existed in my life and then I get messages saying this, which is fine, the support is much appreciated, but no one needs to feel guilty for not knowing, especially if you have known me for years and didn’t know – that’s okay, I promise. I’m sure there’s loads I don’t know about some of my friends and that’s okay – we only share what we feel people need to know, and sometimes these things don’t come out till years later and that’s okay too. I’ve got a lot to share but these things will come out when I’m ready to talk about them.

This memory that popped up on my phone, it was a reminder of how low I was 7 years ago, and it’s crazy to me to see how far I have come. It made me think about all the things I would have missed if 7 years ago I decided what I wanted to decide back then (if you get it, you get it).

7 years is a long time, a lot changes. But if you had of told me then that things got better, and a lot of people did, I wouldn’t have believed you. I was told everything would change, things would get better, but I didn’t believe it. I was so low that I couldn’t see a way out, I couldn’t see how anything could get any better. I was 16, going through it. I’d been going through it for a while, and the only way I could see a way out was to disappear. Sounds crazy now, that I didn’t think things could get any better, it was just so hard to believe that they could. It’s crazy to me how much I would have missed out on…

I’m a lot happier now than I was then, a lot more confident, I’m not 100% where I want to be but I’m getting there. I’m a different person to who I was back then, I used to let people walk all over me and treat me how they wanted to, sticking up for myself never worked so what was the point. I used to be somewhat shy, I said that to someone the other day, that I used to be really shy, now no one can get me to shut up (Sorry not sorry😂).

I’ve made so many friends since then, friends that are actually friends. Which is crazy to me, I used to think that how I was treated before by so called friends was how everyone gets treated – update: its not. Anyone that makes you feel like your less than you are, or makes jokes at your expense, or little comments that they know will hurt your feelings – Their just not friends, let’s be honest. I had a lot of friends like that at the time, not all of them, but a lot of them, and when I look back at it now or talk to people about things that happened it just makes me realise even more what was going on. I don’t blame them mind, I do understand some of the things that happened, if you have to choose between being bullied with your mate or not being bullied, I sort of get it.

But the friends I’ve made, and they know who they are, its crazy that I would have missed that. So many of them have been a big part of who I’ve become, sounds cheesy, but its true, each and every one of them taught me something and have helped me in one way or another to realise my worth and what I can really do. I’ve got so many memories with them, even small things, but I would have missed that too, and I’m so glad I didn’t, I’m so glad I have got to experience all of the memories and laughs that I have.

I would have missed getting to see one of my best mates become an amazing mum, getting to see how far she has come and watching him grow up into an awesome little dude. We could never have predicted where we are now, but we’re doing it and I’m so proud of us💗.

I wouldn’t have got to see one of my best mates get married – I’m so glad that I get to see you being really and truly happy – you really do deserve it💗.

I’ve got to see so many of my friends do so many things, and I would have missed that, which is crazy. I’m so glad I didn’t. From watching friends move away and becoming their own person, and starting families, getting engaged, getting jobs that none of us ever thought would be possible – not because of who we are but because of where we come from – being told where we’d end up and then proving them wrong. I mean, most of us were meant to end up working in fast food (not that there is anything wrong with that – its just not our end goal) – I’m just so glad I got to see it, and I know your all going to go a lot further. I’m just so unbelievably grateful that I got to meet you guys. I’m so glad I stuck around to meet the ones I have💗. I can’t wait to see where we all end up, I know your all going to go far – good things come to those that deserve them and you all really do deserve the best!💗

I’ve met so many new friends through uni and jobs I’ve worked at. To think I would have never met some of them is just – there’s no words – I’m just so glad I did meet them. I’m a different person to who I was 7 years ago, saying that though, I’m a different person to who I was a year ago. Each year more is changing, I’m meeting different people – amazing people – and their all having a positive impact. (We won’t talk about the ones that don’t bring positivity cause they don’t matter all that much) – Saying that though, they have helped in one way or another I suppose, helping me learn to stick up for myself. Realising that I just don’t care all that much about what is said about me anymore – it’s defiantly helped.

Uni – I would have missed out on going to uni. Not that I thought it was possible for me 7 years ago, I didn’t think anyone like me would ever even get in. It seemed impossible, I was told it wasn’t something that I would be able to do, but here I am – this time next year I would have graduated and I’m so looking forward to that! I’m looking forward to so many things – the future is looking bright. Brighter than I ever could have imagined. Some of the people I have met at uni are so lovely and kind, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – kind people are my kinda people. They truly are just so lovely.

I’ve got to watch my brother grow into who he is, I was able to watch him grow in confidence and just in general – I’m so proud of you, you’ll get where you want to be, I know it. Keep going💗

I’ve got to watch some of my friends graduate – I’m so proud of you guys – you smashed it!

Getting to meet everyone that I have, and seeing the friends I’ve had for a long time – getting to see where their going and where their ending up, I’m just so proud of them all. Some of us never thought we’d be where we are now, so I’m forever proud! Getting to watch things happen that we never thought would be possible, some of you have achieved amazing things.

Everything is just falling into place and I’m so happy about that. I never thought I’d have the confidence to openly talk about my mental health and how things used to be but I’m getting better at it, and slowly opening up to those that matter. Before, when I did talk about it, I spoke about it to the wrong people, not all of them, but some of them, I’d be made to feel guilty for what I was going through mentally and how my mental health was – made to feel like what I was experiencing was my fault, but there were so many factors into why I felt the way I felt. Everyone’s feelings are valid, no one should ever be made to feel guilty for the way they’re feeling. Also, being told that others are worse off than you, although that’s true, there will always be someone worse off, it doesn’t mean that the way someone is feeling isn’t valid – all problems are problems, there isn’t a competition on who is going through it worse – everything is valid.

This memory brought a lot back for me, and I’m just so grateful for where I’ve ended up. At 16, I didn’t think I was going to make it to 18 and when I got to 18, things were a tiny bit better but I was still in the same mindset and didn’t think I was going to make it to 20. This week I’m turning 24, I didn’t think I would end up getting to 18 or 20, let alone 24. Things got a lot brighter. One of my best friends told me that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, although I found that hard to believe at the time – the tunnel seemed really long but she was right, there really is light at the end of the tunnel.

At 16, when things went wrong and my mental health was just rubbish, it really seemed like the world was coming to an end, or at least it would be easier if it did. There was so much I had to put up with from different people, making my life awkward and harder just so they could have a laugh – When I speak about half the things that happened to me now, especially to people that didn’t know me back then, they always seem so shocked. I didn’t realise before just how messed up some of the things that happened were, so when one of my friends are shocked about something, it really puts what I was feeling into perspective.

I’ve been told lots of times that I shouldn’t still be talking about this stuff, that it shouldn’t bother me anymore and that I should be over it because of how long ago it was – but some of this stuff wasn’t even that long ago. For perspective – the last prank call I received was in 2020, before I changed my number for like the 6th time, and the last time someone tried to be nasty to me wasn’t that long ago – these things that happen / happened to me, they weren’t really that long ago. People heal in different ways, and talking about it helps. There is no time frame on how long someone is supposed to take to “get over” things. Talking is therapy. People find different ways to deal with things, mine is talking about it. It helps to make sense of what has happened, a lot of the time, I speak to people now that didn’t know me back then, and sometimes they can’t even make sense of it – like they don’t understand why it happened or why it happened to me – and neither do I, but it is what it is, and talking helps. I went to counselling for a long time to talk about the stuff that was going on in my life, when it was actually happening and that helped, but at some point the counselling had to come to an end and I needed people to talk to about it. So I talk to friends that don’t mind listening, and it helps, it really does. I didn’t like talking about it before, I hated that I had to go to counselling, I hated that I had to talk about it and repeat things that were said to me or go over events that had happened, but its different now, I’m not going through it, I’m just talking about it – and it helps. That sounds like I talk about it all the time – I don’t, just when it comes up, or when I need to explain to a friend why I don’t want to go to a certain place to eat cause I’m avoiding the person that works there – I’m getting better at the not caring though, I’m working on it – your not living rent free in my head no more, but sometimes its just easier to avoid some people instead of seeing them.

Bullying and all the other shit that I went through – it should never be the case that it makes someone want to end their life. When it gets to that point, its no longer a bit of banter – I mean, it wasn’t a bit of banter long before that, but some are still confused, I still get told it was a bit of banter. Which is crazy. If some of the things that happened then were happening now, in the “big wide world”, they would be escalated a lot further.

My point is, the banter was never banter, it went way too far. With my mates now, I have banter, and I feel like the people that say what happened back then was banter, they clearly have a different type of banter to me and my friends. A lot of people have apologised for how they were back then, for things they said and how they treated me – I don’t want people to think that some people have never apologised, cause some have and that’s okay. I never really know what to say when it happens though, I know people change, I know people become better people but I never really know what to say. Especially when they were a big part in it all, its just hard to know what to say. When people usually apologise for things I usually say that it’s okay, but I never know what to say when what they did was in fact not okay. I know I should probably have that figured out by now, but I’m working on it.

7 years ago I wrote a letter, to my friends and family. To the ones that I knew would eventually get to read the letter, it was just so much easier to write a letter telling them how I felt, rather than talking about it out loud. I used to find talking difficult and sometimes I still do, but I’m working on it. Sometimes its just so hard to talk about emotions and mental health, mental health especially – but its slowly becoming less of a taboo subject. At school, anyone that spoke about their mental health openly was being an “attention seeker”, whether they were serious or not, it should have been taken seriously. Usually when someone talks about their mental health, its their way of asking for help. I know my letter was me asking for help. I either needed help or a way out. The help I got wasn’t great, but it was a start. I went to counselling more, I spoke to teachers more about how I was feeling – talking is therapy and it really does help.

You can imagine what the letter said, I’d had enough. I was just about ready to disappear as I didn’t see it getting any better. I didn’t think life was worth living because of how it was and how I was being treated. The way I was being made to feel made me think it’d be easier to give up. At the time that seemed like the only way out, I know that probably sounds silly now but that’s genuinely how I felt. So I wrote the letter. Slowly things did get better. I’m really glad they did, and I’m glad I’ve ended up where I am. Things can only get better (we hope – don’t want to jinx it too much). It’s just crazy to me how much I would have missed.

I still have bad days, or days when I struggle with my mental health – I’m not going to pretend that I don’t or that life is a ray of sunshine all the time – but my bad days never get as bad as they did back then, so things have improved, the way I deal with things has improved. That was the lowest I had ever been – I can’t imagine feeling like that now, feeling as if it’d be easier to give up entirely. Things have got so much better since then and I’m looking forward to the future – as I said before, its looking so much brighter.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, bad days will get better. If this is the worst day ever, things can only get better. If your in this place in your mind and it’s real dark, believe me I know how dark it can get – but honestly there is light at the end of the tunnel and things really will get better. Even when it seems like they won’t, I promise it will, I never thought so before but things really do get better. I used to hate when people said that to me, that things will get better, it was just so hard to believe them, but really, they will get better. Things got better for me when I really couldn’t see a way out, I met lovely people who have helped to change the way I see things, who have shown me what I’m worth – real life guardian angels I reckon. Whenever I’m with a group of my friends – having the time of my life – at my happiest, I always think about this not being a thing, I would have missed it, and I’m so glad I haven’t.

I’m so proud of how far I’ve come, and I’m happy – happier than I ever thought I could be.

Sometimes it seems so much easier to give up, especially when you’re going through it, but things really will get better. There’s so much more to experience, this is just a little part of it and it really will get better.

Until next time, stay safe & take care – Ally xo

Samaritans – 116 123

It’s been a while… (Growth, mental health, exciting news!)

It’s been 16 months since my last blog post, it’s been that long since I even went on the blog site if I’m honest. I didn’t forget about my blog (of course not), life’s just been crazy, a good crazy for once. For a long time I didn’t even know what to write about, there were multiple lockdowns where nothing really happened (everyone was in lockdown, of course nothing happened), and then life was strange. I would say I haven’t written anything in the last 16 months but that would be a lie, I didn’t post anything but whenever I thought of anything I could post I wrote in my notes page on my phone but then never really got any further with it – so I suppose at some point when I have time I’ll go through my notes page and rewrite my thoughts in a blog. 

But anyways… I got some news. Some people know this, a majority of people don’t (if we’re sort of close and I haven’t told you yet, please don’t take this personally, only like 5 people knew for a very long time). For the last year and a half, I have been doing something that will hopefully help me go a bit further. I put myself out of my comfort zone and went to university. If you’re reading this and are starting to think “so what? Loads of people go to university”. That’s okay, I get it, a lot of people that I went to school with and a lot of people I used to work with ended up going to university. It’s not really a big deal to some. But after my experience of school, sixth form and 2 years of college, I really didn’t want to go to university, what was I going to do? Voluntarily go to university, probably get picked on, that’s like volunteering myself to be picked on. It was terrifying even thinking of it. Just the unknown scared me. But after finishing sixth form, knowing I never wanted to go to uni, I went to two different colleges, and after I finished my second year at college and got the grades I wanted and needed, I decided it was time for me to finally go to university.

It’s not that I never wanted to go to uni, I did, I really did, especially when I was like 12 that was the plan. But after a while, (not meaning to get dark), I didn’t have a plan anymore, I didn’t think I’d get to 23, I didn’t think I’d get further than 16/17 to be honest. So when you go from having no plan to suddenly needing a plan, you don’t really know what to do. Does that make sense? There was no need to plan and then suddenly there was because I made it through what I was going through. And for that I’m so proud of myself for getting this far, every time another year goes by I do sit and think about what I would have missed, but honestly I’m glad I got this far. 

After getting through that mindset and finally figuring out (sort of) what I wanted to do with my life, it terrified me that uni could be just like school and sixth form, imagine that, how terrifying. It took me a while to get into the mindset of wanting to go to uni and actually getting there. I’m not going to lie, it did take me a while. I just didn’t want to experience school and sixth form experiences all over again, being the joke of things, never being left alone. I was so scared of having to go through that again, I couldn’t actually think of anything worse, I don’t think I could get through that again. But then lockdown happened, and I realised I needed to do something with my life that actually makes me happy, or at least try to. I’d been talking to my friends about uni for a few years but I never thought I’d actually have the courage to go.

So I applied for university, and I actually got in! Which is kind of a miracle (lol), my friends were telling me I couldn’t allow myself to end up where people said I was going to, which is 100% true, I never wanted to end up where I was told I was going to. I just needed to finally do something about it. I was told by multiple teachers that because my grades weren’t great in school, I was never going to do much with my life (one said I’d be lucky if I even ended up being able to work in McDonalds (and that’s nothing against those that work in fast food, it’s just not my end goal)). My grades in school were never going to be good, let’s be honest, I didn’t want to be there, my attendance was so bad (it’s improved massively now, I promise). To be told that not even fast food or retail places will want you by a teacher is honestly so demotivating, after being told that, honestly what is the point? (I mean she was wrong, all I’ve ever done is work in retail or hospitality lol).

Only a bunch of people know this but during school and defiantly after school, I got into a deep state of depression, and I’m okay with letting people know that now, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, honestly it isn’t. But I think the main reason I’m okay with sharing that is because I’m working on it and I’m doing so much better, as I said before I got a lot further in life than I thought I would. So I’m proud of me. But still, everyone has bad days, right? I’m working on mine.

As well as some of the teachers at school telling me I wouldn’t do much with my life, there are statistics out there that some friends and I found. The stats were talked about a lot growing up especially in school and on the news, it was often said (and still is said now) that if you’re a young carer or live on the poverty line, statistics say you aren’t going to do that well in life – so why bother right? If your already being told you’re not going to achieve a lot and stats say that too, honestly why bother? I know that was the mindset of a lot of people that were in the same situation as me. If that wasn’t bad enough, the lack of support there is now / was for young people (I’m talking like 2010 – 2017) is ridiculous. 

Why wouldn’t young people in those statistics want to give up? If there’s nothing going for them and their constantly put down, why wouldn’t you want to give up? Although I have the BEST group of friends that helped me out of that mindset, and it was a very dark mindset to help me out of, but I’m so grateful for them (and they know exactly who they are).

I had a lot of toxic people in my life after school, and for a long time I didn’t realise they were toxic for me, part of me believes I didn’t want to think they were toxic for me. But things changed, and I made new friends and looked at how they treated me compared to friends I had made at school, there needed to be a change. So I slowly stopped talking to those friends – can we normalise cutting off toxic friends and family please? No matter how long you’ve been friends with someone, if they become toxic for your mindset or mental health, or in my case you don’t agree with how they treat others, why shouldn’t we be able to cut them off? I feel like I’m defiantly rambling, and I haven’t even mentioned everything I want to yet (I’ve been gone a while – but if you’re still reading then thank you lol).

I think I got lucky with the people I’ve met at university, I haven’t had to experience anything I experienced at school. Everyone’s so lovely and the ones that are not so lovely, well, it’s easy to avoid them. But I got so lucky. I’m half way through my second year, studying a course that I lowkey love (the assignments test that sometimes though, ahaha). 

But I’m so lucky with how everything has turned out, I made some great friends and I’ve met lovely people! And I’m actually doing well, uni is going great, my mental health is better than it’s been in a long time, I’ve improved so much as a person. Most importantly, I’ve got to the point in my life where I don’t care what anyone else thinks – I can’t tell you how long that has taken me to get where I am now, mindset wise. I’ve grown so much the past 3ish years and I’m so proud of how far I’ve come. 

I’ve found it’s so much easier to walk around a town where you haven’t grown up, I lowkey hate where I grew up, I love my friends that live there and some of my favourite spots, but I hate when I have to go shopping. I avoid certain shops or certain departments of shops because I know that’s where people work that used to give me grief. Although they may not have given me any grief in a long time, it’s the thought of it – which even I can admit is kind of sad. It’s sad that it even has to be like that to be honest, but I used to go in those shops and to those departments and I’d get laughed at or made to feel intimidated. So I just chose to avoid those places, not having to avoid anywhere anymore is so nice. Its so carefree. This may seem stupid to some, me avoiding places and people, maybe childish even, but in all fairness, I think it’s pretty childish and unfair that it’s not even been a year since the last anonymous dm I’ve got – it’s been just over 6 months. So we’re getting there, hopefully people are moving on with their lives (yeah, you, if you’ve ever called me on no caller id, sent me anonymous DMs or given me grief in general – I’m talking about you). (P.S. threatening to beat me up or do other disgusting things to me, while on no caller id isn’t exactly big of you, I hope you learn that at some point).

In the last 3(ish) years, I’ve learnt so much, my mindset has changed completely, I’m a different person to who I was 3 years ago. I’m more comfortable with who I am, I’m more confident and most importantly I’ve realised just how much I shouldn’t have to put up with people’s crap. It took me a long time but I realised I was never really the problem, people were bored or going through something of their own and that’s why things happened (that’s not an excuse though). Although now, a majority of those people would probably say “it was just a joke”, some of the things that were said I can see as a joke, a harsh joke, but a joke nonetheless. However, somethings were out of order and if they happened today it would be dealt with a completely different way. I went out of my comfort zone and became more confident and comfortable in who I am. I actually have the mindset now of if you don’t like me or the way I look then that’s on you, mainly because I don’t care. I’ve got to the point where I’m happy with myself, so why do I care what anyone else has to say (especially if its negative). I’m more me than I’ve ever been before and I love that (self-growth, we loveeeeee to see it).

I’ve also realised so much about body image, especially the things that aren’t really talked about, which is crazy because the things I have realised would have really helped me when I was growing up (10-16yrs old), no one talks about them or promotes them and the things I’ve learnt should be common practice to talk about (new blog post coming soooon (ish)). I’ve learnt that two people that weigh the same and wear the same size clothes can look completely different to one another, typing that now I realise that probably sounds really obvious or stupid. But no one tells you that when your struggling with body image. Someone can weigh less than you or wear smaller clothes than you, yet still look bigger than you, and someone that weighs more than you can look smaller than you. It’s all about how the weight is distributed (I think), but no one talks about that. I think that if someone would have told me that when I was younger, it would have helped me massively. Weirdly enough, even though I have a love hate relationship with social media, I learnt this from social media. Women posting their before and after pictures made me see things a different way which is crazy to me. I just think that needs to be talked about more.

Whenever I used to talk to people about what was going on they used to say to me “things do get better”, and I used to HATE that being said to me. Why would you say that to me when things clearly weren’t going to get any better?! But now I truly understand it, before I couldn’t see a way out, I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel (as Chloe likes to say to me♥), but it came in the end. When people used to say to me things will get better, I used to think how can you say that to me, things aren’t going to be better tomorrow or in a week, or even in a month, as long as I was still in school and surrounded by those people that brought me down I never saw anything getting better, I didn’t see a way out. I could have moved schools, I had the offer multiple times, but why should I have to move, have to remake friends, have to get used to things again? But I didn’t see a way out and I think that’s why things with my mental health got so bad. It took 3 years after school and sixth form for my mindset to change and for me to see that things actually do get better. So when I say that to people now, that things do get better, I do understand when they look at me the way I used to look at others, because I fully understand why I wouldn’t believe me either. But it’s true, things got so much better and I finally got to the point where I could see a way out, whereas before I was so close to just giving up fully, so many times. If this was all that there was for me, getting grief every day, and even when I got home I still wouldn’t be left alone, there was just no escape, if that’s all that life was going to be then I really didn’t see a point. I knew that school came to an end eventually but I just had so much of it left that I didn’t know if I could make it out, mental health really sucks, making you think that it would be easier to give up than to fight it and see if things do get better. But really it’s the people that suck too, helping to make you feel that way. 

I’m okay with talking about this now and I often do talk about it, especially when the subject comes up, if this helps anyone in the slightest, then that makes me feel better. If what I went through and how I think about life now helps people, then in a way, it was kind of worth it. That in no way excuses the people that put me through this crap, but still. I’ve decided that I just don’t care about what people think or say anymore to be honest, I’ve got to the point where I fully don’t care about opinions or nasty things said about me. I’ve learnt to deal with it.

I used to care so much about what people thought, I’d care about opinions on the way I look, how I dress, what colour I dye my hair or how I cut it, I think that’s why I didn’t tell anyone about university for a long time. I cared about what people thought. I cared that I wasn’t 18/19 and just starting university, I cared so much about what people thought. I was so worried to tell people too, in the past when people have found out about where I work they have then come to visit me at work and gave me trouble there, and I know visiting a city to give me grief is a bit of a reach but I wouldn’t have put it past anyone a few years ago. It was a bit unbelievable really, talking about it now just sounds crazy. I’m never able to post on social media when I’ve got a new job or anything like that, out of worry that people will come and visit me. It’s happened to me quite a few times in multiple jobs, once people find out where I work they then go to the place I work and will try to make me feel uncomfortable. I once had a group of guys refuse to be served by anyone else in my old workplace just because they knew I was working, but I had asked someone else to serve them and got told to go out the back, however that didn’t stop them until they were asked to leave by a manager. Sometimes I can understand it’s a coincidence, but the grief that comes with that is just unnecessary. Things like this that have happened, and there’s been many times that it has happened, have been the reason that I keep a lot of stuff to myself, like university and things that I get up to. I realise this sounds a bit crazy happening years later, I wish it wasn’t a thing but sadly it does happen, it only stopped happening after I started being quiet about where I work and what I’m up to but why should anyone have to live and do things in secret? I know that people change, I realise that people from school do and have changed, but then I found that some hadn’t changed, and I find that really sad, not for me, but for them, it’s sad that they haven’t moved on, but I have. 

I’m always going to remember everything that’s happened, it’s had a massive impact, but I’m growing mentally and slowly moving on. I still talk about everything that’s happened, especially to friends when things come up, you’re probably thinking I should get over it, and I have kind of, I know that may seem hard to believe, but I have sort of. The situations that I experienced have helped make me and shape me into who I am. Granted I didn’t need to go through those situations, but they happened, and I changed, for the better I think. I’m grateful for the growth that this has made me go through. I’m now becoming the person I’ve always needed to be.

I feel like I have rambled a lot so I’m going to leave it there for now, I’m sure I’ll write a new post soon (it won’t be 16 months till the next one that’s for sure.) Quick shoutout to the lovely people that I have in my life (you guys make up my support system massively and I love you for that), I appreciate you lot so much and I’m glad we’re all growing together♥. I’ve been brutally honest about quite a few things in this post, this is the start of a new chapter for me, not caring about what anyone thinks – I’ll be honest, I’m loving it. Anyways, that’s it from me, I hope everyones well! If your celebrating Christmas this year – I hope you have a great one. If not – I hope you have a great week! If I don’t post before the end of the year, happy new year to everyone reading! I hope your 2022 is everything that you want and more, you got this! Keep smiling and stay safe. Much love – Ally xx

Let’s talk about Mental Health during this Lockdown…

Hey guys, so about two months ago now, I asked for some inspiration or ideas of what to write about. A lot of the suggestions were about mental health during lockdown and mental health in general (which I ain’t going to cover just yet). My last post was in April, I said I was going to be posting a lot more and writing a lot more, I only really did one of those things. Don’t ask me why, I know I had the free time, but I honestly couldn’t tell you why I didn’t post. I wrote a lot though (productivity 101).

Lockdown has been harsh on people’s mental health. It has been and still is, a really weird time to live through. I found that I spent most of my lockdown reading and writing, but also sleeping a lot and just wasting my time in general. There were productive days, but also some not so productive days. A few weeks in to lockdown and I was talking to a friend about how annoyed I was with myself for not using my time more wisely, and she said to me, “It’s a weird time right now, the world has come to a stand still, you don’t have to be productive everyday during a PANDEMIC.” She was 100% right. I didn’t waste all of lockdown, when I think about it, I didn’t really waste any of it. We need to have selfcare days, we need to have days when we just chill. It’s okay to spend all day reading a book or watching movies, maybe not every day – but as she said, who cares, we’re living through a pandemic, there is no rulebook for this kind of thing. And if there is, someone needs to send it to me. Please.

What a weird time, hey? I found myself relaxing more during lockdown, I wasn’t rushing around to get things done, I didn’t have to spend my weekends wisely anymore – everyone suddenly had a lot more free time. No more rushing around, no more stressing out, it was kind of nice. In a weird sort of way.

As things are slowly going back to a new kind of normal, we should take at least one thing from this: SELF CARE IS IMPORTANT. Your mental health is important and self care has a lot to do with that. I found that before all this happened, I didn’t have a lot of “me” time anymore, I was stressing a lot and always rushing around. But I hadn’t finished reading a book in so long, and I hadn’t watched any movies properly, or did anything that would be considered as looking after myself (self care wise). But during lockdown, I managed to read 4 books, watch a ton of movies, write a few blog posts (not that I actually posted any of them), and spent a few evenings in face-masks (that’s my version of selfcare).

It’s still early days, but I’m going to attempt to do more things for me when I have my days off. I’m trying to read more, whether that’s on my days off or on my lunch break. I’m just trying to take care of my mental health more in general.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve stopped talking to people that are toxic for my mental health, I felt bad at first. (I should probably mention here that they stopped talking to. I noticed that they didn’t put as much effort in anymore, so I did the same, and we ended up not talking at all anymore). But then I realised that no one is more important than what goes on inside my head (I don’t know if that makes sense or if that makes me sound cocky, its not meant to sound cocky.) – Obviously people matter to me, didn’t want it to sound like they don’t. What I’m trying to say is, these past couple of years, I’ve learnt that not all school friendships need to survive if there not good for you. The people that do care about you, will show you, as you show them, this doesn’t mean talking everyday – Cause after school, life starts, people get busy. But it will become clear to you who cares for you and who doesn’t. It’s not worth stressing over the people that don’t, or the people that do things on purpose to upset you – remember, and I know it’s hard to remember sometimes – but your real friends, they won’t make horrible comments about you and try to pass it off as caring about you, your real friends won’t do things that seem toxic.

I know in school it seems that friendship groups are big, but they don’t stay big your entire life – and if they do, congrats, looks like you’ve found a great bunch of people! What I’m trying to say is – Not all friendship groups need to be big. Every person that I have in my life as of now, that I still talk to, their not toxic, and that’s the way it should be. There is no point keeping someone toxic in your life to make them happy, it took me a long time to realise this.

I’m probably rambling a bit, yeah? My main point, toxic people aren’t going to help your mental health and although you may have been friends with them for years, it really is not worth your mental health. Friendships grow apart and two things can happen, you can either be civil and remember the good times but no longer be friends, or you can try and keep that person around you, even though they’ve become toxic for whatever reason. Honestly, I tried the second one, I stayed friends with someone for two years longer than we should have, the friendship grew apart and we should have just left it at that. Instead I found that I was hating every single moment I spent with this person because of how toxic they had become, because of how they treated other people.

I’m defiantly rambling. Toxic people have a negative affect on your mental health. Most people know that – it took me the longest time to realise that and realise who the toxic people were in my life. I found that when I stopped talking to those people and stopped caring about what they thought a weight was lifted from my shoulders. It makes a difference to your mental health, a REAL difference. It also makes a massive difference to your mood, I found myself happier, which sort of says something without having to say anything (if that makes sense).

It doesn’t make you a bad person for wanting to look after your own mental health, it took me a long time to realise all of this. I don’t even know why it took me so long to realise it.

My other main point of this post is that our mental health in general is SO important, and we need to take more care about it. Work and school are important but so is your mental health. In the past, I have found myself prioritising one or the other, I’d have a deadline coming up and suddenly self care would go out the window. I know it’s not just me that does this, a lot of people put their mental health second or even third to anything in their life, but we need to stop doing that. Our mental health is so so important!

Although, lockdown is sort of (not really) coming to a end, and the new kind of normal is starting to begin properly – We need to remember to prioritise our health, not just our physical health (but that is important too!!) but also our mental health.

Right, I’m going to wrap that up there. I’ve been on a bit of a rant. My main main point: YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT! It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything but I’m going to try and post again soon (fingers crossed). Hope everyone is okay in this crazy, crazy time. Stay safe! Here’s to hoping that things are sort of back to normal soon. Much love – Ally xx

15 Thing You Can Do While On Lockdown…

Hey guys, so I got a few messages back from some of you about my last post, so since then I’ve decided to write a short list of the things you can do to keep you busy while on lockdown. I know that there is a longer list of things that people can’t do, but when this is all over, and it will be over at some point (Even if it doesn’t seem that way) – You will be able to do those things again and it’ll be so worth it (Sort of – Don’t think that’s the right word to use).

15 Things that you can do while on Lockdown:
1. Fall back in love with a hobby that you might not have been able to do for a while.
2. Go for a walk or a jog – Just stay 2 metres away from others (Got to be safe)
3. Read a book or two.
4. Catch up on that series that you haven’t been able to watch in a while.
5. Do the odd jobs that you’ve been putting off.
6. Redecorate or move things around in your room / house.
7. Talk to your friends and family over Facetime – Life gets in the way sometimes, which means you may not be able to talk to your friends or family as much as you want to, use this time now to catch up.
8. That thing that you’ve put off doing because you’ve been so busy with life? Take the time to do it now (Unless you can’t due to lockdown)…
9. Go through your things, are there things that you no longer need? Sort it out so that after this is over, they can go to the charity shop.
10. Play board games with your family or complete a puzzle.
11. Don’t forget self care – take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, ect. This is probably the most important thing right now!
12. Start a new hobby? There’s so many things you can do inside with very little equipment.
13. Practice something that you want to be good at.
14. Chill out and enjoy the weather in your garden.
15. We have been given a pause on life, use this time to rest and recharge, to get creative, to do things you wouldn’t usually have time to do.

So there’s the list. Take this time that we have been given and use it as a positive. I’m using this time to write more, read more and do things that I have been putting off for a while. I’m sure the list could be longer, leave a comment below and let me know what your spending this lockdown doing.

This was meant to be posted a week after my last post as it’s been in my drafts for that long but it seems odd, especially as this isn’t what I usually post, but then again, this is an odd situation. Sorry for the delay, there will be more posts soon.

Until next time. Stay home and stay safe. Much love – Ally xx

It’s been a while… (Again)

Hey guys, so a few weeks ago, I started drafting ideas for my blog, of different blog posts that I have in mind. One of these was “Everything is finally okay…”

Well… If you live in the UK, or anywhere for that matter, you’ll know that everywhere has pretty much gone into lockdown due to this virus. So although I was finally getting there with where I am in life, things have come to a stand still. No more work for a while, no more physical classes (we had our first online class the other night), no more seeing family or friends for a little while. It’s all a bit of a mess. But everything was okay until this kicked in..

I’ve got a lot of free time now, and quite frankly it’s driving me a bit crazy (as I’m sure it is everyone else). Although if a few good things could come from this, its that I’ve been given the chance to do things I don’t usually have a lot of time for, I’m writing more, or trying to that is. I’ve read more chapters of books than I have in a very long time – not because I haven’t wanted to read or write, but because I haven’t really had the time to. Not that I’m complaining. It’s just nice to be able to do the things that I don’t usually have time for, you know?

While having more time to write, means having more time to put blog posts out to the world. This is only going to be short and sweet until the next one. But let me know in the comments below, or the comments of wherever you got this link from (Probably from my social media), what are you doing to keep yourself busy? Are you doing things that you don’t usually have time for? Have you picked up a new hobby or are you trying something new? Let me know, it’d be interesting to read.

Also, big love to those that have kept on bugging me (I appreciate it) about my blog, I have been thinking about it, just haven’t had the time. But this time now will give me more of a chance to write. (You know who you are).

Until next time, stay safe, stay inside and stay mindful of others (always). Don’t forgot to check up on your friends and family, or even those that you know might be a little lonely. Be back soon. Much love – Ally xx

2020, Here we come…

It’s been 5 years since I started my blog! Thank you so so much for all the support xx

The end of 2019 is coming near and I’m so ready for 2020. New opportunities and experiences are coming, I just know it. There’s no other way to look at it than positive.

I’ve already wrote a post about how my year has gone but I thought I’d just post a little update. I spent my entire year, taking a little 1 second (sometimes 2 or 3 seconds) of video per day from January 1st to now (31st December), just so I could document it (for fun). Although anyone that sees the video (I may post it on my blog Facebook page), may think that my year was quite boring. It is one second out of a whole 24 hours, for 365 days of the year. Looking back at it, I have a just one regret, I didn’t get to see my friends as much as I would have liked to, but life is busy. I feel like I spent most of 2019 in a classroom or sat in front of a textbook, the outcome of it being like that was that I got the result that I wanted.

This year hasn’t been as great as it could have been (see my last blog post if you want to know more), but then again it hasn’t been the worst year. I’ve met so many amazing new people, (some of them don’t even know how amazing they really are), that have welcomed me in with open arms (literally). I have never felt so accepted and at home as I do with these people and that says something about where I am.

2020 is going to be a good year, it may start off rough but I’m hoping it’ll work out. Life can only go as well as you want it to go, I suppose.

So with that being said, I just want to wish all my friends and family a very happy new year! You got this!

Keeping this very short but sweet. Happy new year everyone! I’ll be back very soon with a new blog post. Much love, Ally xx

It’s almost 2020 and this year has been a mess…

Hey all, I’ve wrote this and rewrote this maybe 100 times, maybe not this post but ones similar to it. I haven’t posted since July, I’ve wanted to, I just haven’t had the words to say what I wanted to say. It’s almost the end of 2019 and although I said I defiantly wasn’t going to say “this year is going to be my year”, I secretly hoped it would be. I mean, there’s still time and I’ve accomplished some amazing things this year, even if others don’t think their that great. I think they are.

This year has truly been a mess. January was the most unmotivated month, it started off really well but then things cooled down and weren’t that great, (I ain’t going to go into it but if you know then you know). February, we lost our first family pet and my Great Gran.

I’m going to confess to something that only a few people know, I never wanted a dog, dogs scared me. I liked dogs when I was little until I stroked one that bit me, that was kind of when I got scared off by them. My brother and my dad would always stroke dogs when we were out in town or whatnot and I’d always walk far far away from them. Until my dad decided we were getting a dog, that I defiantly didn’t want (11 year old me was harsh lol). But we got her anyway, my brother named her Poppy. She was a staffy, people were scared of her but my fear of dogs started to disappear, and now when my dad or brother lean down to stroke a dog so do I. ‘Cause although I may not have wanted her, she did change my life (as cheesy as that sounds), she put muddy paw prints on my bed, chewed my socks and drove me mad, but she was the best first pet that I could ever of had.

We lost my Great Gran in the same week as we lost Poppy and although we knew she was ill and wasn’t going to get any better it still hit home. She was great, everything a gran should be❤

March was a little bit better, my amazing brother turned 18, we celebrated with expensive ice cream (There’s not a better way to celebrate it – don’t even argue with me).

April came and I was starting to get ready (properly) for exams and final essays – anyone that’s in education will already know how stressful this really is. I also started a new job in April that I enjoyed, lets be honest, working with kids who think your cool, when you most defiantly are not, is one of the best things (p.s. I already know I ain’t cool, I agree haha).

May was quite hard, I lost my Great Nan after a long and difficult fight with Dementia. We knew it was coming but that wasn’t any easier once she had passed. I was quite close to my Great Nan growing up, she’d get us in trouble playing drums on the saucepans in the kitchen, or she’d tell us really cool and interesting things about what it was like to be in the Land Army during World War 2. She was one of the nicest people I had in my life and although we knew it was going to happen eventually, that didn’t make it any easier.

To have this happen in May and then get prank calls, it didn’t make this any better – some of my friends are going to hate what I say next (I ain’t defending them, just making a point). To whoever it was that was prank calling me (and I’m 90% sure I know who you were), I know you didn’t know that this was going on in my life, not to ask for sympathy or whatever (cause I don’t want it or need it) – not that it would have made a difference, you probably still would have said those awful things. BUT it just goes to show that you shouldn’t do those shitty things, everyone is going through a silent battle that you know nothing about and although in your defence you didn’t know, that’s not the point. It’s not cool to be cruel, be kind. In a perfect world everyone would be a lot nicer to one another. Hope you think about that next time.

The rest of May and June were just hard work, I got through all the exams I had and finished those essays – I finally finished college, the stress from that was finally over (sort of, results day was looming).

July hit with some bad news, which I ain’t going to talk about, just know (although everyone already knows this), Cancer sucks.

My brother also graduated in July – which I’m super proud of, he proved everyone wrong and is doing great. Just goes to show that not everyone knows what their talking about, especially when people say “you will NEVER accomplish…”. Have a little faith.

August came and so did results day, I passed my course, better than I thought I would and accomplished something that I thought I never would. I worked so hard throughout the whole year with a lot of things that could and probably should have held me back but that was the best thing to come out of this. That I done something that I got told I would never achieve.

September hit and I turned 21, I’ve never spent a week celebrating my birthday but I can’t tell you how great that week was. I got to spend the best time with the most amazing people! I can’t thank them anymore than I already have for making it great.

October and November were spent volunteering for The Royal British Legion, where I met some of the most interesting people, it happens every year, I get to listen to more and more interesting stories by the most amazing people. Heroes is probably a better word for them.

So in July, I got a new job, working with the most amazing people. I couldn’t fault a single one of them (Not that I’d want to anyway), they are the most loveliest people, they are funny and just there, whenever I need help. We’re a real team. As I said the other day, it sets the bar high. I’ve never had it where everyone is so nice, there’s always someone but it’s not like that this time (unless their all really good actors🤣). At the beginning of November, we got some really bad news, and as bad as it is, their all still amazing. I actually look forward to going to work – that’s what it’s supposed to be like. Usually I’d dread going, not for the type of work but for some of the people I’d have to work with, as I said before, there’s always one… (Everyone probably knows what I’m talking about, they have probably experienced it too).

December is almost here, it’s been a pretty weird, messy year. But I’ve had some of the best people to get me through it and met some of the most incredible people that make my day everyday. (Touch wood). December is going to be a good month.

I haven’t wrote anything since July but got inspiration to finally write something so here it is. An update on life, things I’ve been keeping quiet about. But I should be back soon with a new post. I’ve got the ideas, just need to put them into words. So until then, hope everyone’s having the best time, keep smiling and be kindddd. Much love, Ally xo

Autism

Hey everyone, I have been planning on writing a new post to come back for a while but haven’t found anything really exciting to write about – That will motivate me (If that makes sense). However, last week, something very special happened. My brother graduated and this may not seem like a big deal to anyone but it is to me, my family and my friends that have watched him grow up.

My brother has Autism.

For those that don’t know, Autism is defined as “a lifelong disability which affects how people communicate and interact with the world.” This definition comes from the National Autistic Society.

Autism can be a challenge sometimes but I honestly don’t know how I would have turned out without it in my life. Most people write off others with Autism, their “spastics” and “retards” (Just many of the reasons I hate these words.

My brother has been written off all his life. We were told he would never talk or be able to ride a bike, never be able to go to a mainstream school, let alone graduate from college.

Last week that happened. He graduated. And I’m so so proud of him. He passed barriers that were put in his way, he overcame things that people said he’d never be able to do.

I’m not going to lie, this is down to a lot of the help that he has got from family and friends, teachers and really cool professionals. – Part of the reason I love working with kids is so that I can help make a difference like people have helped to make a difference to my brother.

I am so proud of you buddy. I love you so much. You’ve shown everyone that with handwork anything is possible.

So, keeping it short and simple, that’s it for this post. I’m too proud not to write anything.

So for now – Have a good weekend and keep smiling. Much love – Ally xx

This is weird but I don’t think I’ll ever escape…

I SHOULD just ignore you…

I SHOULD just be getting on with writing this essay that’s due soon…

I SHOULD just be going about my day as if nothing has happened…

BUT why can’t you leave me alone? We left school 2 years ago, that’s enough time for incidents to be forgotten, for people to be forgotten. For YOU to get on with your life. For ME to finally move on from everything that happened. But WHY won’t YOU let that that happen?

The “No Caller ID” calls? The anonymous comments on my blog? The fake Instagram pages sending me DM’s? The shouting out of car windows when you go past? The threats? The messages that I get from other people because you’ve messaged them asking where I live and what I’m doing with my life?

WHY?

Why can’t you leave me alone?

Why can’t you just stop all these unnecessary, childish games?

I don’t find them funny. It doesn’t upset me, I just don’t understand???

Why can’t you just move on?

Do something interesting with your life that doesn’t involve prank calling me? Threats to beat me up? To ruin my life? To rape me? Do you not realise how disgusting that is?

Do you not realise that your words could have an affect on someone? I’m lucky me, I got people that support me when stuff like this happens, they show me that I don’t need to listen to you.

I just don’t understand. We left school 2 years ago but your still acting as if we’re in the playground?

Writing about this is weird and probably unnecessary but so is what they do to me, so why should I not write?

Writing is my escape but funnily enough I don’t feel like I can escape this.

I blocked the numbers, I blocked the fake accounts, I blocked the people that used to make me feel uncomfortable. I even changed my number (TWICE), but there seems no way to escape?

I know it’s more than one group of people. I just don’t understand. WHY can’t you leave me alone?

I know you’ll probably read this and laugh, cause why couldn’t I just ignore it? Why did I have to write this?

But why do you have to do what you do?

…

Writing is my escape, and I won’t apologise for posting this. I just think it’s time that people grow up and leave me alone. I don’t see why I should be quiet anymore.

Cheers – Ally x

A Little Update | I’ll be back soon…

Hey guys, it’s been 4 months and I still haven’t posted, sorry! I’ve been so busy. I’m working on it. I’ve been so busy with the course I’m doing and working, I can’t really say it’s going to get any better. Exams are coming up so I’m getting prepared for those. Just a little update though to say that I’m not dead and will try and write again soon.

A girl needs her mental health breaks, you know?

I’ve been writing down my ideas and planning as I go, I ain’t forgot about this blog and I promise I’ll be back soon! There’s a lot of content coming soon.

Anyways, until next time – I hope you are well and living your best life! And if you got exams coming up, I wish you the best of luck, you’ll smash it! Much love – Ally xx