A finished chapter.

So as I am writing this I am thinking about the one big chapter in my life; Secondary School. I have finally finished!!! I finished my last exam today and I am so happy! I’ve got 3 months of summer holiday where I don’t have to worry or stress out! But I wanted to write about this because although I am using my blog as a tracker so I can look back and see the past and see what I have achieved, it is also to help people, so if anyone sees anything they have gone through or are still going through on my blog, it may help.

Secondary school has been tough, I’m not going to lie, it has been so difficult for me. From start to finish. I started with hardly any friends, as does everyone, but them 5 people I started with, I only talk to 2 out of the 5 of them now. That’s the funny thing about secondary school, you don’t walk in with the same friends you walk out with, it all changes, and now that I have finished I have finally realised that. After years of people telling me that I won’t be friends with the same people as I started with, I finally have believed it. But it doesn’t matter now, because I have got the best set of friends anyone can ask for and it doesn’t matter that we’re not a huge group, the more friends someone has the more problems that may bring them.

There have been times when I have wanted to move school, I actually got a offer to move school, to move away from the bullying before my little brother started the same school when the bullying got really bad but I couldn’t. I find it really difficult to make new friends and I had only just found a solid group of friends that I knew would still be there for me in the end. So I didn’t leave, there have been times when I have wanted to move schools but I see that as running away from the problem when really I wanted to run into the problem and stop it. Even though I still got problems at the end of Year 11, I feel as if I can go off this summer, not worry about anything and come back a stronger person.

The other day I was talking to a friend about it and he said “You let them knock you down. In fact, your still down. You need to get back up and come back fighting. That way you’ll be a stronger and confident person”, that’s what keeps me going, things like that, when a friend says that to me or something similar I know I can do it. If they believe I can do it then I can definitely do it!

I walked out of the school gates today and I felt free. There was a massive weight off my shoulders. I was thinking about it on the way home, over them 5 years, all the things I have been called, it has made me a stronger person because although what people say effects me, I know I’m not what they say.

Secondary School has changed me, when I walked through them gates 5 years ago I was shy and quiet and wouldn’t speak a lot, now I’m really loud, a lot more confident and a better person. I think I am anyway, I’m using my experience’s to try and help others, I think that has made me a better person.

Phew!  It’s over and done with. Now I just have to wait until results day in August, fingers crossed I’ve done well. Thank you for all the support from everyone over the past few months, I know I say it a lot but it really does mean a lot to me, and thank you to the ones that have helped me over the past 5 years, you know who you are, I’m very grateful for it.

There will be more posts up starting next week along with a surprise –ahhhhh!!!– I’m really excited to see what I write within the summer. Hope everyone has a nice day! Much love –Alison xx

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Stress of being bullied at school…

I don’t know about you but I stress out a lot (Even about the littlest of things) and doing my exams at the moment is even more stressful. I’m writing this because this week I have realised how difficult I’m finding school. It’s really difficult. The stress of doing my GCSE’s, keeping up with all the work and being bullied is all too much for me. I’m struggling to concentrate on any of my work that I have to do. I’ve always got the same questions going through my head, “When will it stop?” “Why me?” “What did I do to them to deserve it?” “Why do they hate me so much?” Although the bullying has stopped for a while, I’m nervous that it will start again, it always does, it’s like a cycle. Last time I got myself to a confident and positive place and then it was trashed.

People say to me that I should ignore them, it’s not that easy. It may be easy for you but it’s not for me. If someone calls me names I sit there and think about it, sometimes I sit there and think so much about it that I believe them. Which is quite sad to be honest. I know I shouldn’t but I really can’t help it. I’ve been bullied on and off for near enough 10 years, I can’t help it if what they say sticks in my head. It get’s to me and it’s so unfair that some people do it as a joke to get popular and show off. I just really don’t understand. Why would you bully someone? What do you get from it? All that happens is you make someone feel rubbish about themselves which may effect other people as well, how is that an accomplishment to your life? What have you achieved? Nothing. So I really don’t see the point. Unless you actually get something out of bullying someone else? That’s wrong, and quite frankly I don’t understand what you get out of it. What’s the point? It doesn’t make you seem like a nice person and I’ve realised over the years how messed up society is, but why would you bully someone? I don’t understand the logic behind it. Some people say it’s because the bully has been bullied in the past so it’s reflected on them, which seems to me like a on-going cycle, someone gets bullied, turns into a bully and then the victim turns into the bully and bullies others. I’m not saying that is always the case and I’m definitely not saying that’s what happens to all victims cause it’s not.

At the moment I’m not really sleeping and I haven’t got much of a social life. All I do is eat, sleep and revise, and that’s pretty much all I’m going to be doing for the next few weeks. I’ve been thinking and recently all I do is revision, I haven’t had time out where I go out with my friends in ages, mainly because we’re all too focused on our exams as we want good results.  As one of my teachers said a while ago, “You get out what you put in”, so I’ve figured out that if I revise loads (Making sure I have some breaks as well) I will hopefully *fingers crossed* do well.

I’m not even stressing that much about exams mainly because I know I’ve been trying my best, but I’m mostly worried about the days of eeyoreraincloud_thumb6[3]the exams and results day. If I have a good day on the day of the exam and I have done my best to revise for that exam then I know I can do well, but if something goes wrong or if I have a bad start to the day and someone says something to me then I may muck up the exam, even if I have revised loads, it doesn’t make a difference. Having a bad day is just a massive weight on my shoulders and then from then on I know that I might mess up my exam, it’s like out of Winnie the Pooh when Eeyore has a cloud over his head. That is basically me if I have a bad day the same day as an exam. Although this only really happened to me during my mock exams, I’m two weeks in to doing my exams and yes I have had some down moments where the bullying is still carrying on but it hasn’t been on the days of exams, that doesn’t mean it’s okay, no of course not! Although it does mean I still have a weight on my shoulders which will cause me to worry for ages about the whole week, I’ll worry about whether people are going to pick on me or not, which I shouldn’t have to do, but I do and I can’t think like that.

So if you are having the same kind of situations happen to you please do tell someone as what people say may effect your day or exams, which may ruin the chances of you doing what you want to do, and it’s not worth that, your better than the bullies so keep thinking positively! I’m lucky because I have my dad, he’s very supportive, so if you have a positive role model you can talk to about it, please do!

If you have any input to this then you can email me at myinsanewxnderland@gmail.com I’m really enjoying speaking to some of you guys! Your input is great and really does make me believe that there is hope for years to come. Thanks for all the support.

– Alison xx

{Sorry for the late post, I’ve had this post ready for ages but haven’t had time to post it because of exams}

Counselling.

So this is me opening up once again. I don’t think that many people know, but I thought I should share that I go to counselling. Mainly because when someone gets told they should go to counselling the instant thought is that something is wrong with them when there isn’t at all.

On the 11th of June it will be 3 years since I started going to counselling. I started in 2012. That was mainly because of one of my youth workers. He saw that I was upset and started talking to me about it. The day I saw him I was late to go and see him and for me that is strange, or it use to be anyway, I was always early to this, but because I was a hour late and seemed upset he knew something was wrong. I had a bad day at school, I remember it like it was yesterday and the more I wish I could forget it the more I can’t. Some boy humiliated me in front of a big group and I couldn’t seem to ignore it. At the time I didn’t have many friends so not that many people stuck up for me. My youth worker knew I didn’t tell anyone about the incident and got in contact with the school to sort it out. He also spoke to my dad about counselling. That worried me.

When I got asked whether I wanted to go to counselling I didn’t know what to say. I thought there was something wrong with me. I was kind of worried, I thought if anyone found out that I’d be humiliated, I don’t know why I thought that but I did. Counselling isn’t a bad thing, it is a way for me to talk about what is going on. I was worried that I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling a complete stranger what I’m going through and at first I was really quiet, I didn’t really say anything to her, she asked the questions and I answered quietly. But now, she sees me walk in and before we’ve even got into the little room we’re already having a conversation. It’s great! I actually look forward to going to counselling now, my first and second time I was really nervous but after that I felt great.

Sometimes I will go to counselling with a big weight on my shoulders but the moment I leave I feel so much better! It’s like I’ve bottled it all up until I see her and then it all comes out and I feel so much better. If you go to counselling or if a parent or career has said something to you about counselling, don’t feel ashamed about it! It will make you feel so much better, at first it will be awkward but after 3 times of going you will feel so much more confident with going. I know I do.

I just thought I’d write about this because without counselling I wouldn’t’ be where I am today, I’d probably still be shy and not as confident as I am now.

Thank you for the support Smile  Much love –Alison xx