Goodbye 2018, Hello 2019…

Hey guys, it’s been a while, I’m sorry, life’s just been so busy. Today is 4 years exactly since I started my blog and although I haven’t posted in ages (Sorry once again), I do want to start posting regularly again. So here’s a little recap of my year.

January and February – These were weird months, not a lot happened. I was working hard to complete the level 2 course that I was doing and spending a lot of time with people that I love.

March – I completed the Walk All Over Cancer challenge. I had to walk 10,000 steps a day for the whole 31 days of the month, it’s harder than it seems, especially when your working a desk job and are in college classes a majority of the time. It snowed in March, making it difficult to get out and about – It snows and the whole of England comes to a standstill. I raised £120.00 and £21.25 in gift aid.

April – I had to leave my work placement (for the college course I was doing) that I really enjoyed, it was so much fun and I enjoyed it so much, I was sad to leave. I also dyed my hair pink to raise more money for charity, I say I dyed it but I didn’t – I had help – Thank you Chloe + Charli.

May – This was the month that friendship groups grew closer, even though May was difficult, I soon realised who was really there for me and who wasn’t. I also realised that not everything always goes to plan (well duh) but, I realised that no matter how much preparation you can do for something, there is always something that can go wrong.

June – I graduated in June, it was a great month. This was the month that I realised I can do anything if I put my mind to it – Cheesy, but true. I also got my first ever trophy – Student of the Year – Whoop whoop!

July – I got a new job working in a cinema, I met some great people and learnt a lot.

August – This was the month of work, decisions and getting grades back. What a weird, wonderful and terrifying month. I DID get some of the grades I wanted, I DID get onto the course that I wanted to – I’m now working my way towards getting into University.

September – I went to my first ever baby shower! I turned 20! I had a birthday dinner (THERE WAS A UNICORN CAKE), it was great – I love ya’ll that turned up (You know who you are!) I had blue hair – Thank you Chloe + Charli! I got my head down and started the course I got accepted into. September was the month of leaving toxic environments behind – I don’t regret this one bit – I did, but not anymore.

October – This was the month of visiting old places, places that used to scare me, places where I have the best memories – I realise this sounds kind of odd given the last point, but visiting these places gave me so much inspiration to keep working hard.

November – I figured out what I really want to do – I know this may change but for the meantime, it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. I also cut a majority of my hair off in November, anyone that knows me really well will know how much my hair means to me, for me to cut a majority of it off took a lot, this might sound stupid but for me, it was a big thing. November was the month of volunteering and changing it up a bit, as always. It was a good month.

December – Where do I even begin with December? The month of making good choices. I’ve learnt a lot of new things this month and will continue to learn more. I’m progressing quite a bit from what and who I was in January. I sent my university application off as well – this was a big month for me.

So that’s my year wrapped up, I guess, I’m probably missing a lot, as usual, but I thought I should post one last blog post before the end of 2018. Thank you for everyone’s love and support (You know who you are). One of my new years’ resolutions is to defiantly start blogging more often – I miss writing. I’ve been writing posts all throughout the year, I just haven’t finished them or posted them. So stay tuned cause they’ll be posted soon.

May your 2019 be blessed with greatness. – Love Ally xx

Anti-Bullying Week 2017

Hi guys! So I haven’t posted in a while and I apologise for that (I’ve been asked by a few people to post something – I got asked in September but I haven’t felt like writing). Thing is, this blog is like my diary, a place to write when I’m upset or frustrated about something and over the past few months, I really haven’t felt that way.

I’ll explain. I went from somewhere where I was afraid to walk around, wouldn’t say boo to a ghost, I was scared to even go to school, let alone be who I really am. However, in September, I started college, I’m 3 months into college and I love it! I’ve made friends, something I didn’t think I would do, I haven’t had anyone say anything horrible to me, and I’m not worried about walking around. I actually like waking up early in the morning to go to college. Whereas with sixth form, I dreaded it and had to be dragged out of bed in the morning.

Being 100% honest, my dad told me to apply for college and I’m so lucky and grateful that he did because I am having a great time there and have met amazing people who I know I’m going to be friends with for a long time. I didn’t want to apply, he told me I needed to apply or give up on education as I didn’t have another choice. I was so scared, I really didn’t want to go, I didn’t even want to try it, to see what it was like.

I don’t think it’s an age thing, it’s because I genuinely am in a better environment. But I don’t think I would be who I am without the experiences I had.

At Little Heath School, I had horrible things said to me on almost a daily basis, I was pushed around and terrified to walk down the alley to go to school and go home. I was terrified to sit on my own during free periods, terrified to even go and get my lunch on my own. I was in a really bad place, I didn’t want to go to the sixth form anymore but had to – just to get the grades that I needed to get into college.

I’m now in a place where they have a zero tolerance of any kind of bullying, where if anyone bullies someone they get kicked out, they actually care about students wellbeing and what they think about themselves. I know this is true and not something that they say to keep people happy as I’ve witnessed it where someone has been told off and sent to an office where they got told they were getting kicked out if they carried on.

Too right as well, no one deserves to get bullied. I wouldn’t wish some of the stuff that has happened to me, on anyone, no one deserves it, I know what it did to me and so I wouldn’t want that to happen to anyone else.

On my first day at college, I was nervous as heck, I didn’t think I would make any friends. I knew people there already but they are doing a different course to me and so I knew I wouldn’t see them as much as I would want to in college. On the first day, I was put with two people who helped me develop my confidence (to walk into the lunch hall) (to spend free periods by myself), it sounds stupid but after Little Heath, I really was THAT scared.

I then ended up making friends with this lovely group of girls and I don’t really know how it happened, we’re on the same course but I don’t know how I went from being really shy and not talking to anyone (I tried but it was difficult), to being able to have friendly banter, sing along on coaches (even if it is to High School Musical) and be genuinely comfortable around them. It’s odd but it happened and I’m honestly really happy.

I’m not saying I didn’t have this at Little Heath, I did, but only with a few people and I was terrified to walk around. Whereas now, I’m not, we spend our lunches singing or messing about. I can walk into the lunch hall without worrying about what people say, and I’m genuinely happy to be there.

To my actual point of this post…

This week is Anti-Bullying Week and I’m not afraid to stand up for what I believe in, so here I am, having my voice heard, sat here writing this post.

If you are being bullied or know someone who is, speak out, tell someone, or if you know someone who is being bullied try to support them as much as you can.

I know that if it weren’t for three of the teachers, support from some of my friends and the support from my dad, that I wouldn’t have made it out of Little Heath, I would have given up and left. So in a way, I would have made it out of Little Heath but it would have been pointless, the last 7 years of me struggling and putting in effort to pass would have been for nothing – but I did it, I pulled through and managed to finish, no matter how difficult things got towards the end.

So please, for your own sake, tell someone, a parent, a friend, a sibling, even your favourite teacher – someone is bound to help you and hopefully, it will get sorted.

Bullying in schools needs to be taken more seriously, I was told so many times, “sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you”, the thing is they do hurt, and yes some people can ignore it but I am one of those that can’t. However, now I’m sort of in a place where I don’t care, mainly because I’m not worried about seeing them daily, or being physically hurt. It doesn’t matter to me anymore, I can have a good old rant to my best mate over text about how I hate bullies and it’s all better, I feel so much better after.

So this year, I’m saying enough is enough, I will no longer let myself care about what you say because although it is tough sometimes, the bullies are not worth it.

So whether it’s bullying that’s happening face to face or bullying that’s happening online, tell someone, it won’t make the situation worse.

Speak out, support others and do something about it. Don’t let people stand alone, don’t let the bullies win.

I’m really lucky, I have a really good support system, I have my dad, my brother and some of my family. My friends that I have known for the longest time (you know who you are), the guys and girls from Young Carers, and the new people who I have met at college.

If you lot see this, thank you, you all mean so much to me. I miss a lot of you (Those that I haven’t seen in a while) and I always end up taking a leaf out of your books, I walk around with my head held high and I focus on my good days, not my bad days. I do realise that things do get better and although I didn’t believe it, to begin with, deep down I believe its true – even on the days that are really bad.

A big thank you to two of the greatest people I have ever met for helping me get around the college and help me out with where I was going, introducing me to people, etc. It is greatly appreciated. Also a big thank you to those that text me day in, day out when I was alone to make sure I was okay.

Last one – Another big thank you to the girls at college (whether you see this or not, I mean every word, as cheesy as it is), thank you for accepting me, understanding me and allowing me to be who I really am, I don’t have to pretend or tone it done and that is great! You allow me to be the crazy me, I have always been. Purely because you lot are just as crazy as me (I’m not saying High School Musical is a bad choice of songs but this sentence kind of sums it up).

Okay so that’s it, I will try to post more. I have some things in my drafts that need posting, it’s just having the time to do it, but I shall try. This was my space to rant and write and express myself when I couldn’t elsewhere, and now that I can be who I truly am without any grief, I don’t really have to write anymore. I’m not saying I don’t love writing, I just have less reason to. So I’m going to turn this space into somewhere, where people can read and get help with whatever they may be going through – that’s the goal anyway. Have a good week, keep smiling and stay strong. Leave a comment and I’ll get back to you as soon as I see it (as always). Much love, Ally xx

My blog, My story.

10678655_752054611529434_7525334063914584959_nThis is my blog, so I should probably tell my story at some point…I mean everyone has a story, here’s mine Smile

They say that when you are able to tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry that you have healed. I’ve been thinking about it and as much as I love that quote it sounds so stupid. Healed from what?  I mean when you get bullied it hurts, a lot, and you have all these different thoughts and feelings so I suppose it means that you’ve healed from what you’ve been thinking and feeling. 

Bullying does stop, I know it feels like they are never going to leave you alone but it does stop in the end, they get bored and stop or they see that it doesn’t affect you anymore and move onto bully someone else, or they simply grow up and stop bullying. It has mostly stopped for me.

I was getting bullied at a young age, it started in primary school and then it got worse when I started secondary school. I thought all sorts of things, I thought I did something wrong, I wondered what was wrong with me. I thought something had to be wrong with me for people to bully me but turns out I was wrong. A number of people told me that nothing was wrong with me and that they obviously had sad enough lives to bully me. I use to get told that the only reason people bully me is because they have been bullied in the past or their insecure about something and don’t want people to see what it is, so they make someone else the centre of attention by bullying them. It turns into their own joke and they get popular from bullying people, that’s kind of sad to be honest, getting popularity out of you bullying someone else.

People would call me fat and ugly and all kinds of names, it really upset me, I got so insecure and I hated myself. I thought there was something wrong with me. I never really overcame any of the names I got called because I always believed the bullies, which is sad really. It annoys my friends with how insecure I am because I find it difficult to take complements because of the bullying. If your being bullied don’t ‘ignore them’, tell someone, you shouldn’t have to put up with bullying.

I always got told by teachers that if I ignored the bullies it would stop, I suppose it might work for some people. If you ignore them and they leave you alone, okay fair play do that then, but if that doesn’t work for you then tell someone. Ignoring the bullies didn’t work for me and every time I told someone that their words were hurting me people would say ignore it, but that doesn’t really work. It’s easier said than done. Tell someone and keep telling someone until they help do something about it.

The people that bullied me would use anything against me. It was horrible. It upset me so much. I didn’t know what to do with myself.

From year 7 to year 10 it was really bad. Every single day I would get called names, I didn’t want to go to school, I would try and look for any excuse to get a day off school but it didn’t work. I had to face up to it. I didn’t want to, the bullies made me feel useless and bad about myself.

Half way through year 8 the bullying got so bad that one of the youth workers I know suggested I went to a councillor, he noticed a change in me and we sat down and I told him about the bullying. The bullying made me ill, it made me tired and I was quiet all of the time. I thought that if I was quiet it would stop, they would forget I existed and they would stop and leave me alone but that didn’t work.

So I started going to counselling and it helped…I still go now and it still helps, a lot. Its nice to have someone listen about what’s going on. I mean I could tell my friends but I find it difficult to talk about it, it helps because she understands and she knows what to say. When I first started going I thought something had to be wrong with me, but I realised there’s nothing wrong with going to counselling, its absolutely fine to talk to someone about it. Especially when it helps a lot. It made me realise that its okay to talk about it and I’m not alone. Being bullied, it makes you think your on your own but your not, trust me, if you tell someone about it, it’ll make you feel better.

It got to the point where I got called fat that much that I didn’t want to eat anymore. I got told I should eat but I didn’t want to. I was upset most of the time. I hated school. I hated myself. I hated going to lessons because I was in fear that I would get told to sit or work with someone that was going to bully me. I wanted it to stop. Before the bullying I use to love going to school to learn, I know that sounds a bit weird but I use to love it and now I don’t because of everything that has happened.

I use to get called ugly as well, I put myself down all the time. I ended up buying make up thinking that would stop them from calling me names but it didn’t so after a while I didn’t really bother with the make up. My confidence went down a lot and even now I find it difficult to take compliments.

I got called loads of names. I still get bullied now but I’ve got myself above it and I’m able to ignore most of the comments. They still hurt, of course they do, its just believing it, I realised that I just need to make myself believe that they are lying to make themselves feel better. My friends made me realise that. My friends and family helped get me where I am today, I can deal with it now most of the time.

The end of October really made me realise that the positive things people have said to me are true. I won ‘Young Person of The Year’ at the Pride of Reading award thing they put on each year. That’s when I got a ton of support at school. The people that had bullied me in the past were supporting me, not that it matters now cause the damage is done but I had so much support and it felt nice to be told “well done” for like a month because of what I had been nominated for. I suppose without them though I wouldn’t have got the award because I wouldn’t have got the award. As people say karma is a horrible thing, when I’m doing well in life and their not that will be my karma. I’m as nice as I possibly can be so I don’t understand why some people are so horrible to me. It’s not a act, some people pretend to be nice but I don’t understand how because that’s so fake.

I use to get beat up, I got told that I deserved it, they never had a reason for it. I actually thought there was something wrong with me. That’s why I try to put a stop to bullying, when I see it happening I try my best to stop it. I wouldn’t have been able to do that a few years ago as I have confidence problems but now I can. I’m more confident with everything. I figured out that the bullies leave you alone if you bite back, if it shows that your confident there is a chance that they will leave you alone. They don’t like it when they see that the bullying doesn’t effect you as much anymore, don’t show it. Tell someone about the bullying, keep telling someone until they show an interest, I know that sounds a bit cruel but at my school when I told people they didn’t seem to care so I kept telling them until they done something about it. That’s the best way I think. 

I use to get into bike accidents and people would make fun of it, it was so horrible, I mean I was lucky, I could’ve been seriously hurt but I was lucky. I got bullied about it for months and it hurt thinking people found it funny. I even got told that people would’ve been laughing if I was seriously hurt in hospital! I mean that’s so horrible, no one should be like that, it’s bullying and it’s wrong. The people at school called it ‘banter’  but it’s really not, sometimes I think people use ‘banter’ as an excuse to bully people. “It’s only banter, it’s not bullying.” Yes it is, if it’s continuous and it hurts the person your saying it to it’s not banter, it’s bullying.

Now I’m here in 2015. I’m a lot more confident than I was and I don’t get bullied as much, the people in my year and the year below have stopped being horrible to me and I don’t have to worry about the people in the year above because they’ve all left now. I still get bullied by some people in the years below and even by people I don’t know, which is kind of sad, but I’ve got myself to ignore it as they say it to me and if it gets really bad then, yes I do tell someone so it stops.

What the bullies don’t understand is that, words do hurt and they do leave scars on people. This is why I have started this blog, I know what it’s like to be put in pain by people that know absolutely nothing about you, by people that want to be ‘popular’ and ‘funny’ because they made the ‘funniest’ joke up about someone to make you feel bad about yourself. I don’t stand for it and neither should anyone else! If you see someone getting bullied try and stop it, either go and tell someone (a teacher, a friend, a parent) or go and try and stop it. If your being bullied don’t be afraid to go and tell someone. Don’t put up with it! I put up with bullying for so long and now I regret it so much, I sometimes think that maybe if I did tell someone sooner and someone did help me I wouldn’t have such a low self-esteem and then I would be more confident with the way I am.

Shout out to the people that have bullied me! You have made me who I am, thank you so much, not for bullying me but for helping me find the real me. I now understand why bullies do what they do and it interests me, I mean not cause it’s interesting, no of course it’s not. It just makes me realise how much of a low self-esteem you have if it makes you feel good to bully people. It’s wrong and it should stop but you won’t realise that until you probably pick on the wrong person, I hope you realise that what your doing is wrong. I have a feeling you know that what your doing is wrong, you just don’t care about how your actions and words effect others. I hope you realise some day, I hope people stand up to you and make you realise.

Truth is, if we all stood up to bullying there wouldn’t be any and people wouldn’t have to worry about going to school or have to worry about what other people think. We are the future and if we don’t stop it now, when will bullying ever actually stop? It’s unfair and a horrible thing for people to go through.

So here’s my story, I hope it makes people realise that their not alone and that it does get better.

I just wanted to finish by saying thank you for all the support I’ve been getting through this blog! It means so much to me knowing that I’m helping people and making a difference, that’s all I really aspire to do in life. Thank you to the people that have helped me open up to write this, without them it probably wouldn’t be up ‘cause this is personal to me. Also thank you to the people that have helped me with bullying in the past, without all the love and support I honestly don’t know where I’d be today, so thank you!

Also, thank you to the people that have been emailing me, tweeting me and messaging me on Facebook,  with different questions and things they want me to write about. It really helps me, so thank you! I hope this encourages more people to send me questions and stories, I don’t bite honestly, all I want to do is help. 

I have decided that I will be putting a post up at least once a week if not more, so that I can hopefully help make a difference to people’s lives.

Thanks again Smile – Alison xx